Learning parenting skills from Caillou

I saw this article a couple of weeks ago: Great Moms Pass Parenting Skills to Daughters. Well, there's nothing very earth-shattering in that title; it's what common sense would have told us anyway, but now researchers are putting numbers to it so that it's more than just anecdotal common sense.

Although this article/research focused on positive parental behaviors, the lead researcher noted:

Numerous studies have found that negative parenting behavior, such as harsh discipline or even child abuse, is often transmitted across generations.

I think this is why I find being a good mother such a struggle for me. I didn't have a good model, and I have to fight off my initial reactionary behavior. I have known for a long time that my mom for the most part failed me as a mother, but after I read the article, I started to think about exactly what I remembered of her as a mother. I don't have any childhood memories of warm moments with my mother. I feel sure that there must have been times where surely she hugged me, or loved me, but I don't recall anything. Nothing. Were there any happy moments? Surely she must have loved me when I was a baby; supposedly I was a very easy baby who slept through the night almost right away (although I recently found out that my Dad wanted me to cry it out at 4 weeks; he had little tolerance for waking up at night, albeit infrequently). I supposedly played independently even as an infant, but now that I am a mother, I wonder if that meant I had no choice but to learn to be independent. How much did my parents interact with me? Maybe being an "easy" baby meant that I was easily ignored.

What memories of my mom do I have? I remember making my bed when I was about 4 years old and showing her proudly. Once she saw my bed she gave some verbal indication that I had done a pretty good job, but then I remember she re-fluffed the pillows and touched it up. It was pretty good, but not good enough for her. That was the way things went. I felt she was never entirely happy with anything I did, and I desperately wanted to please her, but to no avail. My mom was also very explosive when something went wrong. She yelled very loudly, and sometimes she even cursed. She called me names, sometimes things like fu@king b*tch. Often, these explosions were for very minor infractions. I lived in fear of making her mad.

My evil pedophile stepfather used this against me.
"Don't you want to be like your mother?"
Yes, yes, I wanted to be like her; I wanted her approval!
"If you tell your mother, she'll get really, really mad at you."
No, no!
-----------------------

You see, I don't want to pass terrible parenting behavior to my own daughter. I used to be desperate to please my mom and even be like her, but now I am desperately seeking to be the mom I never had. This is what I want for my baby girl:

They found that women were more likely to use a warm, sensitive and stimulating parenting style if they were raised in a "low-authoritarian" household during their preschool years; had a cohesive, positive family environment and little conflict during their middle childhood years; and an open, trusting, communicative and close relationship with their parents during their teen years.

Now my challenge is to figure out how to do this without going overboard. The constant giving and nurturing, and especially the lack of sleep, is very draining. I have learned firsthand what mother burnout is. I have actually yelled at my precious baby; I have lost it. My support has mostly been from my husband, and sometimes he doesn't really know how to support me. I'm getting better at knowing when I'm at the edge and taking a break, and he's getting better at supporting me. Thank goodness children are supposed to be resilient ; losing it a couple of times isn't supposed to mar your child's life forever.

I'm also learning how to work with my 2 year old rather than fight her. I've read before about giving your child choices so you can get them to do what you want them to without all the conflict, but reading about it and practicing it are two different things. At first, I really didn't get how to do this successfully, but I think I'm finally getting the knack of it. Often my little one exerts her independence and declares she doesn't want to do something I want her to, but now I give her a choice about how/where we will do it. For example, she often balks at getting dressed or changing into her pajamas, but I let her choose the location when she's protesting: "Do you want to get dressed in your room or mommy's room?" It doesn't work all the time, but it really does work most of the time.

I recently had a tiny inkling of what it must be like to witness positive parenting. Last week my little one was sick. She had no energy and only wanted to sit on the couch and watch TV. Although I know you're supposed to limit TV time, I felt so bad for her that we turned on PBS. It's still TV, but at least the shows have no commercials and aren't violent. I snuggled with her while she listlessly watched. Caillou came on, and I saw excellent parenting at work. Four-year old Caillou asks to have some coffee just like his daddy, but his mommy explains to him that coffee is too strong for Caillou, but would he like to have his own drink in a coffee cup just like his daddy? Caillou was excited to drink out of the cup with no whining and protestation about being denied coffee. I've read about doing this - saying no when you need to but offering a quick substitute; it was really nice to to see an example of positive parenting in action, even if it was in a cartoon. Seeing this has helped me better incorporate this type of discipline with my child, and it's worked!

What if as a child your parents regularly modelled such behavior? When you in turn had your own children, you might naturally put positive parenting into practice, at least most of the time. For me, it's learning everything from scratch, from reading, and yes, from Caillou. I hope it will be different for my daughter, if and when she chooses to be a parent one day.

Screwing children's lives: evidently OK with the Vatican

I posted recently about my disagreement with the Pope on some - to me at least- important issues. This is another issue I neglected to mention, one that is even more personal to me.

Those who sexually abuse children should not be tolerated in our society. Those who knowingly allow abuse to continue should also not be tolerated. Knowing, and doing nothing, or in the case of Cardinal Bernard Law, abetting abusers should be a crime: accessory to molestation.

Sexual abuse sucks the life out of children. It warps their mind and their self-image. Abused children struggle to find happiness. Some eventually do, but many don't. For those who don't truly recover, it's as if their life has been stolen from them. Why isn't stealing a life a crime? Why should a blind eye be turned to someone who permitted this to take place? It's true that sometimes false allegations are made, but most abuse allegations are not just allegations; they are the truth. It takes a lot for someone to speak up about something that shattered them emotionally as a child.

I know what childhood sexual abuse can do to a person. I know how it robbed me of any happiness for over two decades. I also know what that justice is often unserved to those who commit such crimes. It's definitely an injustice to see the Cardinal give a Memorial Service.

The Pope of course condemned the crimes, but he evidently didn't realize that knowing and allowing it to happen is also a crime. He defended the Cardinal.

It's true the Cardinal did not commit the crimes, but it is also true that he continually brushed such allegations aside. Really, who cares about some kids complaining that they were touched improperly?

Well, I care.

Read the sordid news story here:
Disgraced Cardinal Says Memorial Mass for Pope

My Problem with the Pope

The passing of the Pope has led to much sadness across the world. I am sad in principle for the loss of a life.

All the news about the Pope has had me thinking about the scope of his influence over the world. Some of his influence I see as positive, but some has been a very negative thing. My biggest disagreement with the Pope was his hardline stance on birth control.

It is true that the Bible says to go forth, multiply, and fill the earth, but tell me where it says to overflow the earth? Where does it say to have so many kids that you can't feed them?

Birth control has been a very empowering thing for women. Women are looked at as more than reproductive vessels, and they begin to play a larger role in society. Often, once women have control over their reproductive rights, a country's entire economy improves. The standard of living is better for everyone. Why have people suffer needlessly? Why have children suffer needlessly? The hardline stance continues this suffering.

If one is concerned about the possibility of birth control acting as an abortion, then at least allow the methods that don't result in the disruption of a fertilized egg.

Also, the use of condoms to reduce the spread of AIDS has been prohibited - those evil condoms are a form of birth control. It's very true that a condom is not 100% effective in preventing the spread of any STD - including HIV - but it is sure better than nothing.

The value of human life, and my take on the Terry Shiavo debate

I am consistent about my beliefs about the value of life, unlike many in this country. The right wingers think physician assisted suicide and abortion are the ultimate evil, but they do love their death penalty, and the left-wingers think the death penalty is bad but abortion and physician assisted suicide is fine.

I believe we should not pass legislation against abortion. If you believe it is wrong, don't do it. In some cultures, it is even accepted as a form of birth control, so I also view legislation as an attempt to force one set of morals/religious beliefs on everyone. There's a lot more I could say about the issue; I will save that for another day.

In principle, I am pro-death penalty, but I must amend my opinion by noting that In practice, we do a poor job of handing out justice. I am very disturbed by innocent people being on death row. However, I would probably put people to death who others wouldn't, like serial child molesters. Maybe they were abused as children, but once you become an adult you must not inflict your pain on innocent children. Child molesters ruin lives as much as murderers do.

Go Doctor Death. Yes, I am for physician assisted suicide for the terminally ill. If your religion prohibits it, don't do it. But, there is no reason to keep a terminally ill person alive who really wants to die. Some of the terminally ill want release. Why do we deny them? There are some cases where the pain meds do NOT work, and the person is in excruciating pain. We treat animals more humanely.

And then there is Terri Schiavo. Poor woman. Her cardiac arrest that got her into this place was caused by her eating disorder. She doesn't sound like she lived a very happy life, and the end of her life has been such a debacle. Thankfully, she has no knowledge of the actions of the people around her. Doctors say she can't even feel pain, feel the starvation that her body suffered. Her parents claim to see more than is there because they can not face reality. I almost understand. I can't imagine watching your child, seeing movements, and not getting excited by it. I understand wanting to believe so desperately... and yet, they are deceiving themselves. Much of the important brain matter is gone. Gone.

I've also heard some people say that this case is important for the disabled, but I vehemently disagree. Many disabled people have reduced function, but function is there. Terri had *no* brain function. It is not a nice term, but they call it a vegetative state for a reason.

It was not Terri who was suffering, but her family, her husband, and this country.

It highlights the hypocrisy of the politicians. Unfortunately, I doubt the politicians will pay a price even though their pandering supposedly is looked upon with disapproval by pollsters. I believe their posturing was calculated - an important base will remember that they tried, and the rest of the people will forget. They will be rewarded for pandering.

Keeping her alive only prolonged the suffering for the living. Poor Terri.

If something happens to me, here's what I want. If there is no brain function left, there is no point. What might be worse torture, though, might be to have some brain function, but absolutely no way at all to express it. If I can't move, blink my eyes or do something to communicate, I would go insane. Please, no artificial life support of any type in these circumstances. Yes, keep me alive long enough to be sure that there really is no hope, but once you have exhausted the possibilities, move on. Let the living, live. Let the dying, die.

Sometimes I am proud of my country; sometimes I am not

I like what my country is supposed to represent. I like the ideals of the United States (even though I can't say this sentence without commenting that I think we are moving away from the ideals I cherish so much). Our founding fathers had many flaws, but there were definitely some wise men among them. Our Declaration of Independence is a document that does us proud, as they say in my homeland South. I like the entrepreneurial spirit here, the feeling that even if you are from humble beginnings, you can pursue the American Dream. Both my husband and I are from poor families, but we both went to school, took advantage of scholarships, and now we are in the ranks of the upper-middle class. We are the American Dream.

I think it's great to have some national pride. Most people I know have national pride, whether they are Canadian, or Mexican, Western European, or Asian, etc etc. One thing that I don't understand, though, is how many "proud Americans" seem to have no respect for another country's way of doing things. Mind you, I am not talking about respecting the Sudanese government right now, but other countries that allow reasonable freedom for its citizens. I really don't understand the attitude that we have the only way. It's a religious-like attitude that some people have here; our way or the highway. Our way is the only way, and all others are just dead wrong. I don't understand this form of national pride, and honestly it's a bit scary to me. I like to see how other countries address their problems. Sometimes I think they have chosen a terrible solution, and sometimes I impressed with how well something works that I wish our politicians and our citizens could open their minds up and see that we could learn from others, at least on occasion.

I am not proud to be grouped with the Americans who look only through the narrowest scope and can see no further than their backyard or their life. I wish Americans traveled more, read more, and learned more about the rest of the world. I consider my own knowledge to be sadly lacking when it comes to the ins-and-outs of other nations, yet I know by most accounts I am practically an expert just because I know where Iraq and Sudan go on a map.

Although I found John Kerry a bit annoying (well, I find most politicians annoying - I would run for office myself but I don't think I am electable - I don't sugar-coat things, and I am not a gifted manipulator), I was dismayed to see him criticized for thinking that issues are complicated, for seeing issues in shades of grey. True, you should NOT let a complicated situation stop you from making a decision (and whether he did that or not is for another debate), but I think it is a very wise thing to understand that the problems facing our country are difficult and complex - and they deserve deliberation and thought. Sometimes simple changes in the law can have repercussions that one did not intend, and it is nice, but rare, when these things are really thought out. Unfortunately, idealistic solutions never work out that way in reality, so there has to be some debate, and some compromise. On the right and the left, our politicians are blindsided by their narrow scope and their lack of wisdom. Is there such a thing as a wise politician? There certainly have been cases in history, but I am sad-pressed to see it now.

I am proud of the America that we could be, of what we are supposed to be, but I am not proud of what we currently are.

Mommy Madness

I've read on some blogs the criticism for all the Mommy Madness that's going on in the world today. It's featured in the latest Newsweek magazine, and I think it's also made it to some TV segments. Mommy Madness is about trying to be the perfect Mom, either while being a SAHM (the "dedicated" moms I know who feel most pressured are the ones that are SAHMs) or while juggling a career. I just felt compelled to throw in my 2 cents.

While I do agree that many Moms go crazy (as in overboard) with motherhood, coming from the perspective of a relatively new mom (I have a 2-yr old), I do think there is a lot of pressure now to be a "perfect" mom. If you read any child-rearing book, you will find that mothers are told to always respond to their infants, and gradually decrease response time as they age. There are studies now showing that infants that are responded to have higher intelligence and all sorts of good stuff. We now live in an age where we are told if we behave this way or that it will have a negative effect on our children. We are told if we don't make some sacrifices for our children while they are young, we will pay dearly once they become teens, and who wants a wild teenager on their hands? Or, our child will never reach their potential - and part of the blame could lie with us. So, sacrifice we do, and in some cases it goes too far.

Square1, somewhat critical of the article, posted in her blog about raising children,

The best they deserve is your best... the best of you.

Although she was criticizing the rich mommies and their desire to get their kids into all the best schools & lessons, I think the real point is that evidently those mommies think that they are providing the best of themselves (by getting their kids into those schools), even if some of us might say it's a bit misguided. Her ideal of mommyhood is still providing your best. It's a high ideal, because some days you just aren't your best.

Another blogger who ranted about the article wrote:

Because motherhood is a tough job, a job that demands self-sacrifice (which is so NOT popular), a job which demands putting other people first.

Again, a very high ideal of motherhood. She later comments on moms' unrealistic expectations of motherhood:

Unrealistic expectations . . . coming from? Television? Magazines? Books? I wouldn't know because I refuse to participate in this craziness. I didn't go to the sign-up for it, nor did I pay my $65.00. Just say no.

Well, what if you just read a book about natural childbirth? It's in there, for goodness sakes! I don't know how she missed this stuff. You will find high ideals and expectations of mommyhood from the left leaning "hippie" natural people to the right-leaning "follow God's will people." She even mentioned that one of her children was born at home, and people who promote that are often the ones who promote a very high ideal of mommyhood. My point is that the high ideal of what a mother should do comes from every direction, and although most sources will at some point talk of balance, it's the self-sacrifice that is emphasized. Why is it a surprise that the self-sacrifice gets taken too far?

In the older days, if families were less child-centered, partly it was because there was no one telling them they were screwing up their children, and I do know way too many screwed up adults - people in their 30s, 40s, and 50s that are products of poor parenting. While it's true that as an adult you have to move on & start controlling your own life, parental influence does have a way of hanging on. While it has been taken to the extreme, I do think some child-centeredness is a good thing. In my case, I feel that I have learned to overcome most of the mess my parents passed on to me, but in my parenting I do feel challenged because I really know what it is like to have a bad childhood, and I don't want that for my kid. It adds extra pressure to me because I know I don't always respond to my kid with the most patience, I don't always feel like giving her my undivided attention, etc etc. No one can be perfect, but it's hard to strike the balance of being the best you can without sacrificing yourself too much.

DJ commented that "happiness is NOT a right," but yet I think most of us in this country are in a search for "life, liberty, and happiness." I really hate it when people talk about suffering making good character (I guess I take it a bit personally). Maybe I do have some strength from suffering from abuse, but I also have some weaknesses from it as well. There is some suffering that is never good to experience. I do agree you have to let children learn from their mistakes, but in a somewhat controlled fashion (let them too loose, and your house will burn down or they will kill themselves!). There are moms who do try to strike a balance in this area, too.

My pressure as a mom doesn't stem from getting my kid into the best schools, piano lessons, etc, but more from the desire to raise a well-balanced child: one who knows her strengths, acknowledges her weaknesses, and has an intrinsic sense of self. This is a pretty challenging task as is evidenced by how rare people like this are in the world. I have one friend who I would categorize this way; everyone else seems to be plagued with self-doubts & problems in at least some major area of life.

I do think that we have a lot of spoiled and inconsiderate children/very young adults now. Much of this stems from the fact that our society wants to make children feel good about themselves and their performance, all of the time. For example, schools now give every child an award, no matter what. That certainly doesn't help them face the real world! Some schools use purple ink now instead of red to make corrections because the purple is so much friendlier. Yes, our culture has taken things a bit far, but it doesn't mean that we should swing too far in the other direction - we need a balance.

To me, the issue is complicated, and many men just don't quite get the pressure that some moms feel with the onslaught of new parenting advice and how high the bar now sits to be a "good mother." It's just not something they understand, and I think partly this is because men and women really are wired differently when it comes to children; it's a scientific fact that moms get a higher does of oxytocin & there are other biological brain differences. No, moms shouldn't let themselves become so drained as to shrivel up into nothing, but it's a harder trap to avoid than you might realize because it happens gradually, so that you don't see it coming until it can be too late.

Blogging, and who visits

I use Statcounter on my blogs to randomly waste time to see where visitors to my blog come from. I am really, really skilled at randomly wasting time, especially when I've got a lot of work to do that I don't enjoy. My sex blog is definitely what you would call erotic, certainly not something to be enjoyed by ultraconservative people. I describe trying out something that is still on the books in certain states as being illegal (even though the Supreme Court has finally invalidated those laws, against the protest of the 3 most conservative judges and right-wing religious groups). Yet, my sex blog has had visitors who come from such sites as:

• a pro-bush site in farsi
  
• several super-pro-Bush-very-religious personal blogs (Praise God & Bush)
  
• Kudlow's Money Politic$ (economics aside, he stands for "values")
  

Are these visitors getting to my blog from the "next blog" link? Probably so, but it had me thinking about who visits my blog. I think know there are a lot of hypocrites in this world. I don't mind when people are genuinely religious, but I really despise hypocrisy from those who speak so loudly about their beliefs, yet sneak around doing everything they say is so bad. I believe in all probability there are those who visit my blog and "enjoy it," but who publicly decry such smut. I despise this type of hypocrisy even more than the genuinely religious people who try to force everyone to live by their particular dogma - by whatever means including political, and I am not too fond of those people, believe me. Hypocrites rank just above rapists, murderers, and child molesters to me.

Mind you, I have nothing against religious people. Practice your religion. Believe your religion. Find comfort in your religion. And, please, live by your religion if you claim to do so. I may not share your views, but I do respect people who really live their own personal life by their principles.

I also noticed some visitors from countries such as Kuwait, where I have a feeling that a woman blogging about what I blog about is not that acceptable. That person may desire more sexual freedom, or that person may condemn it, meanwhile getting off on it.

I am a bit of a cynic sometimes.

Is Paris Hilton really that hot?

I am always surprised at the popularity of Paris Hilton. I don't usually think much about her, honestly, but she's been in the news lately because reportedly her Sidekick was hacked. I was a Sidekick v1 owner so the phone bit caught my eyes more than the Paris bit... but it made me think, why? What's the fascination? I mean, she was popular even before the infamous sex video was made public.

OK, she looks pretty - but she always has on a ton of makeup, so I think she looks pretty, but certainly some other women outshine her in the looks area. I've heard all these claims about how smart she is, and how she is marketing herself, blah blah blah. I will give her credit for taking advantage of her celebrity to make money, but you don't have to be a fricking genius to figure that out. Anyway, I just don't see what the attraction is. I've seen clips from her TV show and all the girl seems to be talented at is manipulation, which can be a valuable skill, I know, but ...

Really, I guess this rant is more about why do guys like bimbos? That question is pretty pointless - like asking why do guys have testosterone. It's just the way life is.

and another blog for other thoughts

I have recently started a sex blog, and the blogging is actually kind of fun.I think I finally realized why a lot of therapists tell their clients to keep a journal. It really helps with the self-examination; certainly, blogging about sex has helped me start to come to terms with my own sexuality. However, I have so many other random thoughts that I really want to post somewhere, but they just don't seem to belong on a sex blog. So, here goes this blog - with my thoughts on politics, food, travel, kids, and maybe a little memoir-type posting here and there.

It will be a quiet blog compared to my sex blog;)