Learning parenting skills from Caillou

I saw this article a couple of weeks ago: Great Moms Pass Parenting Skills to Daughters. Well, there's nothing very earth-shattering in that title; it's what common sense would have told us anyway, but now researchers are putting numbers to it so that it's more than just anecdotal common sense.

Although this article/research focused on positive parental behaviors, the lead researcher noted:

Numerous studies have found that negative parenting behavior, such as harsh discipline or even child abuse, is often transmitted across generations.

I think this is why I find being a good mother such a struggle for me. I didn't have a good model, and I have to fight off my initial reactionary behavior. I have known for a long time that my mom for the most part failed me as a mother, but after I read the article, I started to think about exactly what I remembered of her as a mother. I don't have any childhood memories of warm moments with my mother. I feel sure that there must have been times where surely she hugged me, or loved me, but I don't recall anything. Nothing. Were there any happy moments? Surely she must have loved me when I was a baby; supposedly I was a very easy baby who slept through the night almost right away (although I recently found out that my Dad wanted me to cry it out at 4 weeks; he had little tolerance for waking up at night, albeit infrequently). I supposedly played independently even as an infant, but now that I am a mother, I wonder if that meant I had no choice but to learn to be independent. How much did my parents interact with me? Maybe being an "easy" baby meant that I was easily ignored.

What memories of my mom do I have? I remember making my bed when I was about 4 years old and showing her proudly. Once she saw my bed she gave some verbal indication that I had done a pretty good job, but then I remember she re-fluffed the pillows and touched it up. It was pretty good, but not good enough for her. That was the way things went. I felt she was never entirely happy with anything I did, and I desperately wanted to please her, but to no avail. My mom was also very explosive when something went wrong. She yelled very loudly, and sometimes she even cursed. She called me names, sometimes things like fu@king b*tch. Often, these explosions were for very minor infractions. I lived in fear of making her mad.

My evil pedophile stepfather used this against me.
"Don't you want to be like your mother?"
Yes, yes, I wanted to be like her; I wanted her approval!
"If you tell your mother, she'll get really, really mad at you."
No, no!
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You see, I don't want to pass terrible parenting behavior to my own daughter. I used to be desperate to please my mom and even be like her, but now I am desperately seeking to be the mom I never had. This is what I want for my baby girl:

They found that women were more likely to use a warm, sensitive and stimulating parenting style if they were raised in a "low-authoritarian" household during their preschool years; had a cohesive, positive family environment and little conflict during their middle childhood years; and an open, trusting, communicative and close relationship with their parents during their teen years.

Now my challenge is to figure out how to do this without going overboard. The constant giving and nurturing, and especially the lack of sleep, is very draining. I have learned firsthand what mother burnout is. I have actually yelled at my precious baby; I have lost it. My support has mostly been from my husband, and sometimes he doesn't really know how to support me. I'm getting better at knowing when I'm at the edge and taking a break, and he's getting better at supporting me. Thank goodness children are supposed to be resilient ; losing it a couple of times isn't supposed to mar your child's life forever.

I'm also learning how to work with my 2 year old rather than fight her. I've read before about giving your child choices so you can get them to do what you want them to without all the conflict, but reading about it and practicing it are two different things. At first, I really didn't get how to do this successfully, but I think I'm finally getting the knack of it. Often my little one exerts her independence and declares she doesn't want to do something I want her to, but now I give her a choice about how/where we will do it. For example, she often balks at getting dressed or changing into her pajamas, but I let her choose the location when she's protesting: "Do you want to get dressed in your room or mommy's room?" It doesn't work all the time, but it really does work most of the time.

I recently had a tiny inkling of what it must be like to witness positive parenting. Last week my little one was sick. She had no energy and only wanted to sit on the couch and watch TV. Although I know you're supposed to limit TV time, I felt so bad for her that we turned on PBS. It's still TV, but at least the shows have no commercials and aren't violent. I snuggled with her while she listlessly watched. Caillou came on, and I saw excellent parenting at work. Four-year old Caillou asks to have some coffee just like his daddy, but his mommy explains to him that coffee is too strong for Caillou, but would he like to have his own drink in a coffee cup just like his daddy? Caillou was excited to drink out of the cup with no whining and protestation about being denied coffee. I've read about doing this - saying no when you need to but offering a quick substitute; it was really nice to to see an example of positive parenting in action, even if it was in a cartoon. Seeing this has helped me better incorporate this type of discipline with my child, and it's worked!

What if as a child your parents regularly modelled such behavior? When you in turn had your own children, you might naturally put positive parenting into practice, at least most of the time. For me, it's learning everything from scratch, from reading, and yes, from Caillou. I hope it will be different for my daughter, if and when she chooses to be a parent one day.

Screwing children's lives: evidently OK with the Vatican

I posted recently about my disagreement with the Pope on some - to me at least- important issues. This is another issue I neglected to mention, one that is even more personal to me.

Those who sexually abuse children should not be tolerated in our society. Those who knowingly allow abuse to continue should also not be tolerated. Knowing, and doing nothing, or in the case of Cardinal Bernard Law, abetting abusers should be a crime: accessory to molestation.

Sexual abuse sucks the life out of children. It warps their mind and their self-image. Abused children struggle to find happiness. Some eventually do, but many don't. For those who don't truly recover, it's as if their life has been stolen from them. Why isn't stealing a life a crime? Why should a blind eye be turned to someone who permitted this to take place? It's true that sometimes false allegations are made, but most abuse allegations are not just allegations; they are the truth. It takes a lot for someone to speak up about something that shattered them emotionally as a child.

I know what childhood sexual abuse can do to a person. I know how it robbed me of any happiness for over two decades. I also know what that justice is often unserved to those who commit such crimes. It's definitely an injustice to see the Cardinal give a Memorial Service.

The Pope of course condemned the crimes, but he evidently didn't realize that knowing and allowing it to happen is also a crime. He defended the Cardinal.

It's true the Cardinal did not commit the crimes, but it is also true that he continually brushed such allegations aside. Really, who cares about some kids complaining that they were touched improperly?

Well, I care.

Read the sordid news story here:
Disgraced Cardinal Says Memorial Mass for Pope

My Problem with the Pope

The passing of the Pope has led to much sadness across the world. I am sad in principle for the loss of a life.

All the news about the Pope has had me thinking about the scope of his influence over the world. Some of his influence I see as positive, but some has been a very negative thing. My biggest disagreement with the Pope was his hardline stance on birth control.

It is true that the Bible says to go forth, multiply, and fill the earth, but tell me where it says to overflow the earth? Where does it say to have so many kids that you can't feed them?

Birth control has been a very empowering thing for women. Women are looked at as more than reproductive vessels, and they begin to play a larger role in society. Often, once women have control over their reproductive rights, a country's entire economy improves. The standard of living is better for everyone. Why have people suffer needlessly? Why have children suffer needlessly? The hardline stance continues this suffering.

If one is concerned about the possibility of birth control acting as an abortion, then at least allow the methods that don't result in the disruption of a fertilized egg.

Also, the use of condoms to reduce the spread of AIDS has been prohibited - those evil condoms are a form of birth control. It's very true that a condom is not 100% effective in preventing the spread of any STD - including HIV - but it is sure better than nothing.

The value of human life, and my take on the Terry Shiavo debate

I am consistent about my beliefs about the value of life, unlike many in this country. The right wingers think physician assisted suicide and abortion are the ultimate evil, but they do love their death penalty, and the left-wingers think the death penalty is bad but abortion and physician assisted suicide is fine.

I believe we should not pass legislation against abortion. If you believe it is wrong, don't do it. In some cultures, it is even accepted as a form of birth control, so I also view legislation as an attempt to force one set of morals/religious beliefs on everyone. There's a lot more I could say about the issue; I will save that for another day.

In principle, I am pro-death penalty, but I must amend my opinion by noting that In practice, we do a poor job of handing out justice. I am very disturbed by innocent people being on death row. However, I would probably put people to death who others wouldn't, like serial child molesters. Maybe they were abused as children, but once you become an adult you must not inflict your pain on innocent children. Child molesters ruin lives as much as murderers do.

Go Doctor Death. Yes, I am for physician assisted suicide for the terminally ill. If your religion prohibits it, don't do it. But, there is no reason to keep a terminally ill person alive who really wants to die. Some of the terminally ill want release. Why do we deny them? There are some cases where the pain meds do NOT work, and the person is in excruciating pain. We treat animals more humanely.

And then there is Terri Schiavo. Poor woman. Her cardiac arrest that got her into this place was caused by her eating disorder. She doesn't sound like she lived a very happy life, and the end of her life has been such a debacle. Thankfully, she has no knowledge of the actions of the people around her. Doctors say she can't even feel pain, feel the starvation that her body suffered. Her parents claim to see more than is there because they can not face reality. I almost understand. I can't imagine watching your child, seeing movements, and not getting excited by it. I understand wanting to believe so desperately... and yet, they are deceiving themselves. Much of the important brain matter is gone. Gone.

I've also heard some people say that this case is important for the disabled, but I vehemently disagree. Many disabled people have reduced function, but function is there. Terri had *no* brain function. It is not a nice term, but they call it a vegetative state for a reason.

It was not Terri who was suffering, but her family, her husband, and this country.

It highlights the hypocrisy of the politicians. Unfortunately, I doubt the politicians will pay a price even though their pandering supposedly is looked upon with disapproval by pollsters. I believe their posturing was calculated - an important base will remember that they tried, and the rest of the people will forget. They will be rewarded for pandering.

Keeping her alive only prolonged the suffering for the living. Poor Terri.

If something happens to me, here's what I want. If there is no brain function left, there is no point. What might be worse torture, though, might be to have some brain function, but absolutely no way at all to express it. If I can't move, blink my eyes or do something to communicate, I would go insane. Please, no artificial life support of any type in these circumstances. Yes, keep me alive long enough to be sure that there really is no hope, but once you have exhausted the possibilities, move on. Let the living, live. Let the dying, die.