Mommy Madness
I've read on some blogs the criticism for all the Mommy Madness that's going on in the world today. It's featured in the latest Newsweek magazine, and I think it's also made it to some TV segments. Mommy Madness is about trying to be the perfect Mom, either while being a SAHM (the "dedicated" moms I know who feel most pressured are the ones that are SAHMs) or while juggling a career. I just felt compelled to throw in my 2 cents.
While I do agree that many Moms go crazy (as in overboard) with motherhood, coming from the perspective of a relatively new mom (I have a 2-yr old), I do think there is a lot of pressure now to be a "perfect" mom. If you read any child-rearing book, you will find that mothers are told to always respond to their infants, and gradually decrease response time as they age. There are studies now showing that infants that are responded to have higher intelligence and all sorts of good stuff. We now live in an age where we are told if we behave this way or that it will have a negative effect on our children. We are told if we don't make some sacrifices for our children while they are young, we will pay dearly once they become teens, and who wants a wild teenager on their hands? Or, our child will never reach their potential - and part of the blame could lie with us. So, sacrifice we do, and in some cases it goes too far.
Square1, somewhat critical of the article, posted in her blog about raising children,
Another blogger who ranted about the article wrote:
In the older days, if families were less child-centered, partly it was because there was no one telling them they were screwing up their children, and I do know way too many screwed up adults - people in their 30s, 40s, and 50s that are products of poor parenting. While it's true that as an adult you have to move on & start controlling your own life, parental influence does have a way of hanging on. While it has been taken to the extreme, I do think some child-centeredness is a good thing. In my case, I feel that I have learned to overcome most of the mess my parents passed on to me, but in my parenting I do feel challenged because I really know what it is like to have a bad childhood, and I don't want that for my kid. It adds extra pressure to me because I know I don't always respond to my kid with the most patience, I don't always feel like giving her my undivided attention, etc etc. No one can be perfect, but it's hard to strike the balance of being the best you can without sacrificing yourself too much.
DJ commented that "happiness is NOT a right," but yet I think most of us in this country are in a search for "life, liberty, and happiness." I really hate it when people talk about suffering making good character (I guess I take it a bit personally). Maybe I do have some strength from suffering from abuse, but I also have some weaknesses from it as well. There is some suffering that is never good to experience. I do agree you have to let children learn from their mistakes, but in a somewhat controlled fashion (let them too loose, and your house will burn down or they will kill themselves!). There are moms who do try to strike a balance in this area, too.
My pressure as a mom doesn't stem from getting my kid into the best schools, piano lessons, etc, but more from the desire to raise a well-balanced child: one who knows her strengths, acknowledges her weaknesses, and has an intrinsic sense of self. This is a pretty challenging task as is evidenced by how rare people like this are in the world. I have one friend who I would categorize this way; everyone else seems to be plagued with self-doubts & problems in at least some major area of life.
I do think that we have a lot of spoiled and inconsiderate children/very young adults now. Much of this stems from the fact that our society wants to make children feel good about themselves and their performance, all of the time. For example, schools now give every child an award, no matter what. That certainly doesn't help them face the real world! Some schools use purple ink now instead of red to make corrections because the purple is so much friendlier. Yes, our culture has taken things a bit far, but it doesn't mean that we should swing too far in the other direction - we need a balance.
To me, the issue is complicated, and many men just don't quite get the pressure that some moms feel with the onslaught of new parenting advice and how high the bar now sits to be a "good mother." It's just not something they understand, and I think partly this is because men and women really are wired differently when it comes to children; it's a scientific fact that moms get a higher does of oxytocin & there are other biological brain differences. No, moms shouldn't let themselves become so drained as to shrivel up into nothing, but it's a harder trap to avoid than you might realize because it happens gradually, so that you don't see it coming until it can be too late.
While I do agree that many Moms go crazy (as in overboard) with motherhood, coming from the perspective of a relatively new mom (I have a 2-yr old), I do think there is a lot of pressure now to be a "perfect" mom. If you read any child-rearing book, you will find that mothers are told to always respond to their infants, and gradually decrease response time as they age. There are studies now showing that infants that are responded to have higher intelligence and all sorts of good stuff. We now live in an age where we are told if we behave this way or that it will have a negative effect on our children. We are told if we don't make some sacrifices for our children while they are young, we will pay dearly once they become teens, and who wants a wild teenager on their hands? Or, our child will never reach their potential - and part of the blame could lie with us. So, sacrifice we do, and in some cases it goes too far.
Square1, somewhat critical of the article, posted in her blog about raising children,
The best they deserve is your best... the best of you.Although she was criticizing the rich mommies and their desire to get their kids into all the best schools & lessons, I think the real point is that evidently those mommies think that they are providing the best of themselves (by getting their kids into those schools), even if some of us might say it's a bit misguided. Her ideal of mommyhood is still providing your best. It's a high ideal, because some days you just aren't your best.
Another blogger who ranted about the article wrote:
Because motherhood is a tough job, a job that demands self-sacrifice (which is so NOT popular), a job which demands putting other people first.Again, a very high ideal of motherhood. She later comments on moms' unrealistic expectations of motherhood:
Unrealistic expectations . . . coming from? Television? Magazines? Books? I wouldn't know because I refuse to participate in this craziness. I didn't go to the sign-up for it, nor did I pay my $65.00. Just say no.Well, what if you just read a book about natural childbirth? It's in there, for goodness sakes! I don't know how she missed this stuff. You will find high ideals and expectations of mommyhood from the left leaning "hippie" natural people to the right-leaning "follow God's will people." She even mentioned that one of her children was born at home, and people who promote that are often the ones who promote a very high ideal of mommyhood. My point is that the high ideal of what a mother should do comes from every direction, and although most sources will at some point talk of balance, it's the self-sacrifice that is emphasized. Why is it a surprise that the self-sacrifice gets taken too far?
In the older days, if families were less child-centered, partly it was because there was no one telling them they were screwing up their children, and I do know way too many screwed up adults - people in their 30s, 40s, and 50s that are products of poor parenting. While it's true that as an adult you have to move on & start controlling your own life, parental influence does have a way of hanging on. While it has been taken to the extreme, I do think some child-centeredness is a good thing. In my case, I feel that I have learned to overcome most of the mess my parents passed on to me, but in my parenting I do feel challenged because I really know what it is like to have a bad childhood, and I don't want that for my kid. It adds extra pressure to me because I know I don't always respond to my kid with the most patience, I don't always feel like giving her my undivided attention, etc etc. No one can be perfect, but it's hard to strike the balance of being the best you can without sacrificing yourself too much.
DJ commented that "happiness is NOT a right," but yet I think most of us in this country are in a search for "life, liberty, and happiness." I really hate it when people talk about suffering making good character (I guess I take it a bit personally). Maybe I do have some strength from suffering from abuse, but I also have some weaknesses from it as well. There is some suffering that is never good to experience. I do agree you have to let children learn from their mistakes, but in a somewhat controlled fashion (let them too loose, and your house will burn down or they will kill themselves!). There are moms who do try to strike a balance in this area, too.
My pressure as a mom doesn't stem from getting my kid into the best schools, piano lessons, etc, but more from the desire to raise a well-balanced child: one who knows her strengths, acknowledges her weaknesses, and has an intrinsic sense of self. This is a pretty challenging task as is evidenced by how rare people like this are in the world. I have one friend who I would categorize this way; everyone else seems to be plagued with self-doubts & problems in at least some major area of life.
I do think that we have a lot of spoiled and inconsiderate children/very young adults now. Much of this stems from the fact that our society wants to make children feel good about themselves and their performance, all of the time. For example, schools now give every child an award, no matter what. That certainly doesn't help them face the real world! Some schools use purple ink now instead of red to make corrections because the purple is so much friendlier. Yes, our culture has taken things a bit far, but it doesn't mean that we should swing too far in the other direction - we need a balance.
To me, the issue is complicated, and many men just don't quite get the pressure that some moms feel with the onslaught of new parenting advice and how high the bar now sits to be a "good mother." It's just not something they understand, and I think partly this is because men and women really are wired differently when it comes to children; it's a scientific fact that moms get a higher does of oxytocin & there are other biological brain differences. No, moms shouldn't let themselves become so drained as to shrivel up into nothing, but it's a harder trap to avoid than you might realize because it happens gradually, so that you don't see it coming until it can be too late.
posted by tieme-n-spankme at 12:06 PM
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